why I suck sometimes.

I can be rather flakey these days...

My mind is slipping...

For example, I have let the straightener on twice...once it burnt a hole in Greg's shirt and the other time Greg burned himself on it. Where is my head?
ALSO, I completely forgot about a JURY that I had the other day and ended up crying and stressing my way out of it.

I feel like such a joke sometimes. My brain is so disorriented, I wonder why in the hell I am even in grad school. Dr.Miller is going to try to help me I think....only other people who have trouble and beat themselves up can ever understand what I go through everyday.

I had a therapist once ask me why I felt the need to be perfect when perfection isn't really expected of live performance...I laughed and told her she hadn't met Dean Sidlin or any other conservatory musician for that matter. We are all pushed to the limit and stressed out when music is supposed to be a fun and joyful experience. When it is beat into your head that you have to be perfect...you have to expect that of yourself. When you get screamed at for messing up.....how are you supposed to feel comportable enough to even concentrate? I fear this weekend and possibly next week will bury me...unless I am as close to perfect is as humanly possible...Does anybody else have this kind of pressure? and how in the hell have I not quit!!!!????

Sometimes I regret my musical knowledge because it makes it impossible for me to enjoy or relax in CHURCH of all places. IF the music sucks...i seriously can't sit still, let alone pray. My training has made me hard. Thats not to say that if a boy sings me a song and it sucks I won't love it! But church is rough because church music is meant to be beautiful. I think that 90% of worshipping God is done through music....music transcends the line between heaven and earth, does it not?

Maybe I'm burnt out. Maybe I need a break....

One is coming...and hopefully I will get to have fun soon.

In other news...things are going well in the dating world...I think. Have you ever met someone who you can talk to in person and understand but talk to online and not understand at all? It could be that I don't know him well enough to understand his communication quirks...but he seems so nice in person but not so nice online or on the phone....I think when communicating through a device such as a computer or the phone he becomes very business and almost robot. It's kinda scary...but I can imagine sitting at a computer for 8 hours...one is likely to be pissed to be on one again...Luckily, he is very kind and gentle in person, so I forgive him. Not to mention I'm sure I can be annoying sometimes with my million questions about absolutely anything and everything......but I would hope this is something people would come to understand and like about me. I just like knowing things...even things I probably shouldn't know. Knowledge about people especially is something I love. I want to know why he did this or that...or what from the past made him this way or that way. I pick people apart...ITS MY JOB. I emote people's feelings and thoughts on stage for a living...

This may sound weird but imagine it this way: I feel that I have an entire file room in my brain of emotions that I associate with events...and feelings that I have felt through myself and other people that I can relate to my characters when I create them. I channel feelings...so there is a lot up there. It's a great tool to have. I feel like I think differently than a lot of people do about things...there is an entire process that is different than anybody else ever seems to go through. When I get into people's heads they get a little freaked out.....and I have the tact of a 3 year old...I'm really not afriad to ask any question.

No question is a wrong or dumb question right?


Anyway...I have had a lot of things to say for the last few days...and I'm glad I got some of that out.

::Sigh::

Wow.......just wow.

Sooo much going on right now...I can hardly stand it. I'm sooo busy but yet I have someone I can slow down with. Time goes fast but yet slow...I can't describe it. I guess it's just happiness?

Yes...you may assume my date went well the other night...amazingly, astonishingly, fantastically well.

He is kinda sweeping me off my feet...and I'm falling pretty hard. He is so....dare I use the word "perfect?"

I can pretty much see past anything at this point. I like him a lot....and considering all of the nice things he has been doing for me...I think he likes me too. He seems to be one of those who expresses themselves through actions more than words...which is probably a good thing....words can be empty sometimes. Ok....he cooked DINNER for me! ahh! :) and there were candles and all that stuff...hehe

I dunno...I'm just so happy everyday right now.

:):):)

Whaaaaaaaaaa!

Hey.

So I'm relaxing into life right now. I find the calmer I am...the easier all of this is going to be. The opera is running full speed ahead. I am okay until at least Friday when the dean will surely murder my soul. I'm trying to stay positive. see?

I have a lot of work ahead of me this week. I must hash out the third act and get it to a nice, happy place. Eventhough it is perhaps some of the most depressing music I have ever sang in my life. uugh. It puts me in a "slit my wrists" kind of mood.

Alison, I better see you soon. I know my schedule is hell on wheels right now but I miss my friend.

ALSO, I'm really excited because I'm going to meet somebody next week, maybe. I'm trying not to get too excited because I don't want to be too disappointed if it totally fails. However, I can't say I have had many instances where I have gotten along with someone really well online and thought they were really cute and stuff and met them and been too surprised. The worst case is I meet them and I'm not attracted to them at all...which has happened. I have met people kind of just to humor them in the past or because I'm bored. But UNLESS all of his pictures are really old and he is really a fat, ugly, old man....I think I shall surely be just fine with meeting him. We seem to share a lot of the same ways of functioning...as far as how we meet and greet people. We poke at eachother and push buttons and figure eachother out in a way that is fairly similar. His way of life is really cute....and I'm wildly attracted to the man I have created in my head to fit his persona. Gee....I hope I didn't build it up to much.

Don't worry no rush on anything...just going to see what happens. :)

Long day today...so I'm going to go continue it.

Di

heartbroken

Guys, I'm hurting pretty bad right now.

Things just weren't working out with my boyfriend so we ended things for good this time...or at least for a long time. The age difference is just too hard right now. It's really sad because I really really liked him.

I kinda don't know what to do right now.

I want to make friends have actually have a life ya know? maybe?

So if anybody wants to help me do that...and then maybe stay in my life...call me.