I hate money

Why do we need money....can't we use our talents to get what we need? Seriously, the trade system needs to come back.

OR whatever....


Clearly, I have never let money stop me before but I think I have finally hit a wall. I can't pay for 2 summer courses, a summer program in Italy, and a flight to Italy, AND RENT!!!! It's just not possible nor should it be. FUCK! What ever made me think it was I don't know....the only way I could go to italy would be if I didnt go to school this summer and I moved HOME! Which I will not do.

Seriously kids....and I'm telling you this in perfect honesty. I don't eat. I will starve myself so I can afford to buy clothes. HA! It's bad. I know I don't look like I starve myself....yet.

When is everything going to pay off? Something needs to happen......I have had good signs......


something HAPPEN!!!!!

As things wind down...

Phew.....the opera and all the stress related hype are finally winding down for me. It's all enough in hind-sight that I can look back on it with much pride in my work on the role. I have had the opportunity to sit down with some colleagues who saw the opera from the outside and it got me thinking about a lot of things I never thought of before. New operas are so exciting and I realized that I love talking opera with people....especially when it is something so close to me. It's nice to know people who have real, backed up, opinions about things!

I have slowly been trying to get back to my job. I am rusty....but it's all coming back. I'm regretting telling my family that I would come home this weekend...because I just have so much to catch up on down here...that it would almost be a distraction. I miss them.....but it really makes me lazy to go home. I never get any work done when I am up there. Oh well.....I just probably won't go home tonight....

Not only that...but gas is getting reallllly expensive :(

In life news....everything has rather flatlined. I had to get honest with myself about a few things. First of all, I am learning very well how to function as a single person. It is so much different from being in a relationship....and I'm not really sure why that has to happen. Honestly, when I was in a relationship....I found myself less socialble. I guess. I tend to make friends with mostly guys, which I'm not sure why...but I think it has to do with my childhood and the way that most of the women in my life have treated me. Girlfriends in middle school and high school were a tough crowd. I was definately some type of really cute nerd. Which is funny because I find myself wildly attracted to really cute nerds LOL! I love people who are obsessed with what they do...and I love it even more if I don't have any understanding of what they do. The smarter the better....It's also kinda cool to date people that do things that I don't know anything about because at some point...I get to learn about it too.

I think people often latch on to people who do things they think they could never do. I love to be in awe of the person I am with. I also seem to love power....but it's not even power....the power of knowlegde blows my mind!

OK...Im not into full blown nerds who have absolutely no social skills and are like virgins and what not....but I like me a really hott nerd HA! I know a few right now. ;)

At any rate....nothing is going anywhere too quickly and it seems like everyone I know right now is trying to shed some sort of emotional coil...probably just breaking out of the shitty, depressing winter. I myself still find I am somewhat trapped in the past (what with living with my ex) but that just keeps getting easier and easier.


A friend said this to me today: "Diana, you always smile, even when you are depressed. You always have some sort of contentment within yourself and that is something." also "You are learning how to control your emotions, that could be a good thing or a bad thing."

I love when people notice things about me. I have noticed for quite some time...that I can always smile. I think my smile confuses people sometimes...but it's there because something, somewhere is making me happy...and I think it might just be contentment with myself.


love it.

Alison, I'm going home this weekend BOOOOOO!!!!!! but we shall certainly hang out soon. :)
Candy, Oh how I miss you.
(yeah these are the only girls I talk to...cept maybe Kirsten)

Seriously

Im not going to let stupid shit piss me off anymore...I'm so over it! All of it...the last few months of my life could have never happened for all I care except for the opera....that was the only thing I cared about anyway...time to focus on better things.

No title

Its a great thing when the one person who you thought actually had something going right stops talking to you. That person you thought would care about you even after you trampled his heart? Yeah. I never meant to hurt his feelings, not for one moment...I was only trying to figure things out. Yeah, I didn't go about it in the best of ways but I wanted to just be his friend in the end and still care about eachother...but the second he found his happy card he ditched out on me. So I guess I deserved it. How hard is it for people to understand when the other person is really confused? In a few years when he is in the same boat as I am right now, maybe then he will understand and realize I never did anything to purposefully hurt him or his family....ever. I mean, does anybody ever hurt anybody on purpose? and when will parents realize that they can't make people stay together by treating them really well.....parents should just stay out of it until they know it's really serious. Like at least a year before they really get into your business. I expressed so many times that I was still confused and upset about things with my ex. WE STILL LIVE TOGETHER for God's sake.

Usually when you break up with someone you were with for 4 years, you let yourself heal. I didn't have time, I was eye level in opera shit and I seriously didn't have time to cry anymore...I needed an outlet. Whoa unto anyone that took me on, but someone with a very tender heart came along...and I fell in love with his heart...and I meant every word I ever said about him. Yeah, you bet it went sour when I came back down to earth and realized it virtually impossible to make it work...but it broke my heart too and sent me in a tailspin about what I had done in the last few months exactly. But life is stupid like that sometimes. You jump in before you are ready if you think you like the temperature of the water....and when I figured out how cold it was, I was either going to jump back up or drown. The truth is painful and there is no way I could ever make up for many things I have done in the last shittastic chapter of my life....for a few people. Caring about people is a dangerous game but when I do it, I mean it...but I can only care about someone so much before I have to attend to my own happiness. This is so detailed a situation, it's best not to get into it.

In all reality, things probably wont be okay with me for awhile yet. I still feel trapped in the past....but it gets better everyday. I realize on almost no uncertain terms that my ex and I are done. The sooner that is established fully, the better. It's hard to let go of four years of your life. I was stupid to think I ever could.

I'm sure nobody really wants to hear about this...but I had to vent somehow.

This isn't right!!!!

The whole world is supposed to make sense right now.....

I just got an amazing review from the post....my career feels like it is actually going somewhere....

I thought I had met a really great guy with all of the bells and whistles of everything I ever wanted....but I must have been WAYYYYY OFFFFF.....turns out he is possibly a bigger mess than me.....and that is hard to do.

I have a few friends right now that I love and adore....but somehow I am finding myself depressed....

Damn with the ups and downs I have had lately!!!....I would probably say I should be medicated....but none of this is directly because of me. Or is it?

Maybe I should stop trusting people so quickly....maybe I should always have my gaurd up and play super-hard-to-get....maybe I should just be selfish and just take and take and take.....

there doesnt seen to be happiness at the end of the rope for me right now....



I have been heard to say that the life of an artist truely is "a lonely one, full of selfishness" Was I really selfish when I told Emily's story on stage? NO...I asked her character to come to me and take over every movement and sound. I left myself.....

I have always wanted to be someone else.....and I love being someone else. No matter who that person is....I have always gel'ed to whoever I am around because I know that me as me is not good enough or is too intense for a lot of people. I'm tired of it.


Will I ever be happy with me?