Its a great thing when the one person who you thought actually had something going right stops talking to you. That person you thought would care about you even after you trampled his heart? Yeah. I never meant to hurt his feelings, not for one moment...I was only trying to figure things out. Yeah, I didn't go about it in the best of ways but I wanted to just be his friend in the end and still care about eachother...but the second he found his happy card he ditched out on me. So I guess I deserved it. How hard is it for people to understand when the other person is really confused? In a few years when he is in the same boat as I am right now, maybe then he will understand and realize I never did anything to purposefully hurt him or his family....ever. I mean, does anybody ever hurt anybody on purpose? and when will parents realize that they can't make people stay together by treating them really well.....parents should just stay out of it until they know it's really serious. Like at least a year before they really get into your business. I expressed so many times that I was still confused and upset about things with my ex. WE STILL LIVE TOGETHER for God's sake.
Usually when you break up with someone you were with for 4 years, you let yourself heal. I didn't have time, I was eye level in opera shit and I seriously didn't have time to cry anymore...I needed an outlet. Whoa unto anyone that took me on, but someone with a very tender heart came along...and I fell in love with his heart...and I meant every word I ever said about him. Yeah, you bet it went sour when I came back down to earth and realized it virtually impossible to make it work...but it broke my heart too and sent me in a tailspin about what I had done in the last few months exactly. But life is stupid like that sometimes. You jump in before you are ready if you think you like the temperature of the water....and when I figured out how cold it was, I was either going to jump back up or drown. The truth is painful and there is no way I could ever make up for many things I have done in the last shittastic chapter of my life....for a few people. Caring about people is a dangerous game but when I do it, I mean it...but I can only care about someone so much before I have to attend to my own happiness. This is so detailed a situation, it's best not to get into it.
In all reality, things probably wont be okay with me for awhile yet. I still feel trapped in the past....but it gets better everyday. I realize on almost no uncertain terms that my ex and I are done. The sooner that is established fully, the better. It's hard to let go of four years of your life. I was stupid to think I ever could.
I'm sure nobody really wants to hear about this...but I had to vent somehow.
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