Life News

Ok a GIANT update for all of those who aren't "in the know"

I have an amazing boyfriend and that is all I'm going to say...if you want to know more you will have to ask or leave me to my own little perfect world...because I love it. The sad part is....he is in Ireland until god knows when...but I will see him soon.

I have ONE MORE YEAR of school! ONE MORE YEAR!!! AHHH!

I just started taking 2 summer classes...Skandinavian Diction and Harmony Review (wha wha) boorrringgg..oh well.

I'm moving at the end of August to Gregg Martin's house for awhile.....at least until things get situated and my bf gets back from Ireland.

I am starting to work on stuff for a recital! Keep in touch cuz it will be in Late November/December.

Thats about all thats even remotely new..


till later...

hi

Why do I love people so much? Seriously.....I love reading back in my journal and seeing how wrong I was all the time. But you don't know you are wrong until you are wrong....and who can really know if they have ever got it right? All I can really know if how I feel now...and how I hope I will feel in the future.

Yea, I have a new boy....boys come and go and they all have something special about them...it's finding the one that you can spend your life with. I have someone in my life right now who makes me really happy....and that is all the matters right?

Im truly blissful....eventhough he is across the pond right now. Just because I know he loves me.

Oops I did it again...

So I made a major mistake...again. No more boys for me...dead seriousness here...I am never going to trust anyone until I do a complete background check and know them for at least 6 months. AT THE VERY LEAST.

Where have all the cowboys gone?

Candy...I'll tell you all about it when I get there.

So much better than ever before

I dont even have words for what is going on with me right now...blissful happiness and finally a calm after the storm?

I finally feel like I can just let things fall into place. No more worrying constantly.

and that is all.

Losing faith in the human race etc.

SO not only did I lose $40 this weekend to a lady I thought seriously wrecked her car and needed a taxi to Virginia....was I really scammed???? AHHH! She was crying!....for crack I assume. damn it!

But I guess someone I really trusted kinda let me down...which is fine. I'm starting to expect that people want little to do with me these days.

Ok...that was a bit dramatic.

At least the male population....that tiny percentage of it that I am actually attracted to that is. shit.

Otherwise, it was a perfectly fabulous weekend. I went out and had a grand old time...with good company no less.

Music

Ever hear a song that you haven't heard in a long time and it makes you feel a very specific feeling? I mean remember something you felt like a very long time ago and you remember it in an almost perfect recollection of an exact moment?

There are seriously songs I can't listen to because it was playing when someone said something or did something to me or it played a lot when something shitty was going on in my life. I may not remember what exactly but I have a memory of the feeling that whatever was going on caused me to feel.

Maybe I am just super sensitive to music....what with being a musician and all....but sometimes I forget just how very powerful it all is.

It's so much bigger than me...it's so magical. God, I love it.

Clarity

I am feeling much better...I just needed to take some time to get back on track. I'm pretty confident that in the next month or so I will be a pro at being alone again.

Greg is leaving and I will kinda have my own thing for awhile.
I dumped all of the guys I was "talking to" except one...which doesn't make anything official but I'm only going to focus on one at a time. It's just easier that way. It eliminates confusion and is much easier on the serial monogamist.

I'm sorry about my last post and the princessness that it exposed LOL.

I got ridiculously 5th grader mad that day.

I'm happier now that it isn't raining 24/7. I hate how the barometric pressure effects my moods.

Well, have a nice little Friday ladies and gents.

cheers.

Emotional Fog

Lots of stuff just isn't going right at the moment.

I don't know where I am going to be living in June.

I got in a little car accident yesterday.

My voice is fucked up from the opera and I'm not getting ANYWHERE.

I don't even want to be in DC anymore...

My heart is somewhere else. :(


Ok...I'm done venting now...

thanks.

I hate money

Why do we need money....can't we use our talents to get what we need? Seriously, the trade system needs to come back.

OR whatever....


Clearly, I have never let money stop me before but I think I have finally hit a wall. I can't pay for 2 summer courses, a summer program in Italy, and a flight to Italy, AND RENT!!!! It's just not possible nor should it be. FUCK! What ever made me think it was I don't know....the only way I could go to italy would be if I didnt go to school this summer and I moved HOME! Which I will not do.

Seriously kids....and I'm telling you this in perfect honesty. I don't eat. I will starve myself so I can afford to buy clothes. HA! It's bad. I know I don't look like I starve myself....yet.

When is everything going to pay off? Something needs to happen......I have had good signs......


something HAPPEN!!!!!

As things wind down...

Phew.....the opera and all the stress related hype are finally winding down for me. It's all enough in hind-sight that I can look back on it with much pride in my work on the role. I have had the opportunity to sit down with some colleagues who saw the opera from the outside and it got me thinking about a lot of things I never thought of before. New operas are so exciting and I realized that I love talking opera with people....especially when it is something so close to me. It's nice to know people who have real, backed up, opinions about things!

I have slowly been trying to get back to my job. I am rusty....but it's all coming back. I'm regretting telling my family that I would come home this weekend...because I just have so much to catch up on down here...that it would almost be a distraction. I miss them.....but it really makes me lazy to go home. I never get any work done when I am up there. Oh well.....I just probably won't go home tonight....

Not only that...but gas is getting reallllly expensive :(

In life news....everything has rather flatlined. I had to get honest with myself about a few things. First of all, I am learning very well how to function as a single person. It is so much different from being in a relationship....and I'm not really sure why that has to happen. Honestly, when I was in a relationship....I found myself less socialble. I guess. I tend to make friends with mostly guys, which I'm not sure why...but I think it has to do with my childhood and the way that most of the women in my life have treated me. Girlfriends in middle school and high school were a tough crowd. I was definately some type of really cute nerd. Which is funny because I find myself wildly attracted to really cute nerds LOL! I love people who are obsessed with what they do...and I love it even more if I don't have any understanding of what they do. The smarter the better....It's also kinda cool to date people that do things that I don't know anything about because at some point...I get to learn about it too.

I think people often latch on to people who do things they think they could never do. I love to be in awe of the person I am with. I also seem to love power....but it's not even power....the power of knowlegde blows my mind!

OK...Im not into full blown nerds who have absolutely no social skills and are like virgins and what not....but I like me a really hott nerd HA! I know a few right now. ;)

At any rate....nothing is going anywhere too quickly and it seems like everyone I know right now is trying to shed some sort of emotional coil...probably just breaking out of the shitty, depressing winter. I myself still find I am somewhat trapped in the past (what with living with my ex) but that just keeps getting easier and easier.


A friend said this to me today: "Diana, you always smile, even when you are depressed. You always have some sort of contentment within yourself and that is something." also "You are learning how to control your emotions, that could be a good thing or a bad thing."

I love when people notice things about me. I have noticed for quite some time...that I can always smile. I think my smile confuses people sometimes...but it's there because something, somewhere is making me happy...and I think it might just be contentment with myself.


love it.

Alison, I'm going home this weekend BOOOOOO!!!!!! but we shall certainly hang out soon. :)
Candy, Oh how I miss you.
(yeah these are the only girls I talk to...cept maybe Kirsten)

Seriously

Im not going to let stupid shit piss me off anymore...I'm so over it! All of it...the last few months of my life could have never happened for all I care except for the opera....that was the only thing I cared about anyway...time to focus on better things.

No title

Its a great thing when the one person who you thought actually had something going right stops talking to you. That person you thought would care about you even after you trampled his heart? Yeah. I never meant to hurt his feelings, not for one moment...I was only trying to figure things out. Yeah, I didn't go about it in the best of ways but I wanted to just be his friend in the end and still care about eachother...but the second he found his happy card he ditched out on me. So I guess I deserved it. How hard is it for people to understand when the other person is really confused? In a few years when he is in the same boat as I am right now, maybe then he will understand and realize I never did anything to purposefully hurt him or his family....ever. I mean, does anybody ever hurt anybody on purpose? and when will parents realize that they can't make people stay together by treating them really well.....parents should just stay out of it until they know it's really serious. Like at least a year before they really get into your business. I expressed so many times that I was still confused and upset about things with my ex. WE STILL LIVE TOGETHER for God's sake.

Usually when you break up with someone you were with for 4 years, you let yourself heal. I didn't have time, I was eye level in opera shit and I seriously didn't have time to cry anymore...I needed an outlet. Whoa unto anyone that took me on, but someone with a very tender heart came along...and I fell in love with his heart...and I meant every word I ever said about him. Yeah, you bet it went sour when I came back down to earth and realized it virtually impossible to make it work...but it broke my heart too and sent me in a tailspin about what I had done in the last few months exactly. But life is stupid like that sometimes. You jump in before you are ready if you think you like the temperature of the water....and when I figured out how cold it was, I was either going to jump back up or drown. The truth is painful and there is no way I could ever make up for many things I have done in the last shittastic chapter of my life....for a few people. Caring about people is a dangerous game but when I do it, I mean it...but I can only care about someone so much before I have to attend to my own happiness. This is so detailed a situation, it's best not to get into it.

In all reality, things probably wont be okay with me for awhile yet. I still feel trapped in the past....but it gets better everyday. I realize on almost no uncertain terms that my ex and I are done. The sooner that is established fully, the better. It's hard to let go of four years of your life. I was stupid to think I ever could.

I'm sure nobody really wants to hear about this...but I had to vent somehow.

This isn't right!!!!

The whole world is supposed to make sense right now.....

I just got an amazing review from the post....my career feels like it is actually going somewhere....

I thought I had met a really great guy with all of the bells and whistles of everything I ever wanted....but I must have been WAYYYYY OFFFFF.....turns out he is possibly a bigger mess than me.....and that is hard to do.

I have a few friends right now that I love and adore....but somehow I am finding myself depressed....

Damn with the ups and downs I have had lately!!!....I would probably say I should be medicated....but none of this is directly because of me. Or is it?

Maybe I should stop trusting people so quickly....maybe I should always have my gaurd up and play super-hard-to-get....maybe I should just be selfish and just take and take and take.....

there doesnt seen to be happiness at the end of the rope for me right now....



I have been heard to say that the life of an artist truely is "a lonely one, full of selfishness" Was I really selfish when I told Emily's story on stage? NO...I asked her character to come to me and take over every movement and sound. I left myself.....

I have always wanted to be someone else.....and I love being someone else. No matter who that person is....I have always gel'ed to whoever I am around because I know that me as me is not good enough or is too intense for a lot of people. I'm tired of it.


Will I ever be happy with me?

why I suck sometimes.

I can be rather flakey these days...

My mind is slipping...

For example, I have let the straightener on twice...once it burnt a hole in Greg's shirt and the other time Greg burned himself on it. Where is my head?
ALSO, I completely forgot about a JURY that I had the other day and ended up crying and stressing my way out of it.

I feel like such a joke sometimes. My brain is so disorriented, I wonder why in the hell I am even in grad school. Dr.Miller is going to try to help me I think....only other people who have trouble and beat themselves up can ever understand what I go through everyday.

I had a therapist once ask me why I felt the need to be perfect when perfection isn't really expected of live performance...I laughed and told her she hadn't met Dean Sidlin or any other conservatory musician for that matter. We are all pushed to the limit and stressed out when music is supposed to be a fun and joyful experience. When it is beat into your head that you have to be perfect...you have to expect that of yourself. When you get screamed at for messing up.....how are you supposed to feel comportable enough to even concentrate? I fear this weekend and possibly next week will bury me...unless I am as close to perfect is as humanly possible...Does anybody else have this kind of pressure? and how in the hell have I not quit!!!!????

Sometimes I regret my musical knowledge because it makes it impossible for me to enjoy or relax in CHURCH of all places. IF the music sucks...i seriously can't sit still, let alone pray. My training has made me hard. Thats not to say that if a boy sings me a song and it sucks I won't love it! But church is rough because church music is meant to be beautiful. I think that 90% of worshipping God is done through music....music transcends the line between heaven and earth, does it not?

Maybe I'm burnt out. Maybe I need a break....

One is coming...and hopefully I will get to have fun soon.

In other news...things are going well in the dating world...I think. Have you ever met someone who you can talk to in person and understand but talk to online and not understand at all? It could be that I don't know him well enough to understand his communication quirks...but he seems so nice in person but not so nice online or on the phone....I think when communicating through a device such as a computer or the phone he becomes very business and almost robot. It's kinda scary...but I can imagine sitting at a computer for 8 hours...one is likely to be pissed to be on one again...Luckily, he is very kind and gentle in person, so I forgive him. Not to mention I'm sure I can be annoying sometimes with my million questions about absolutely anything and everything......but I would hope this is something people would come to understand and like about me. I just like knowing things...even things I probably shouldn't know. Knowledge about people especially is something I love. I want to know why he did this or that...or what from the past made him this way or that way. I pick people apart...ITS MY JOB. I emote people's feelings and thoughts on stage for a living...

This may sound weird but imagine it this way: I feel that I have an entire file room in my brain of emotions that I associate with events...and feelings that I have felt through myself and other people that I can relate to my characters when I create them. I channel feelings...so there is a lot up there. It's a great tool to have. I feel like I think differently than a lot of people do about things...there is an entire process that is different than anybody else ever seems to go through. When I get into people's heads they get a little freaked out.....and I have the tact of a 3 year old...I'm really not afriad to ask any question.

No question is a wrong or dumb question right?


Anyway...I have had a lot of things to say for the last few days...and I'm glad I got some of that out.

::Sigh::

Wow.......just wow.

Sooo much going on right now...I can hardly stand it. I'm sooo busy but yet I have someone I can slow down with. Time goes fast but yet slow...I can't describe it. I guess it's just happiness?

Yes...you may assume my date went well the other night...amazingly, astonishingly, fantastically well.

He is kinda sweeping me off my feet...and I'm falling pretty hard. He is so....dare I use the word "perfect?"

I can pretty much see past anything at this point. I like him a lot....and considering all of the nice things he has been doing for me...I think he likes me too. He seems to be one of those who expresses themselves through actions more than words...which is probably a good thing....words can be empty sometimes. Ok....he cooked DINNER for me! ahh! :) and there were candles and all that stuff...hehe

I dunno...I'm just so happy everyday right now.

:):):)

Whaaaaaaaaaa!

Hey.

So I'm relaxing into life right now. I find the calmer I am...the easier all of this is going to be. The opera is running full speed ahead. I am okay until at least Friday when the dean will surely murder my soul. I'm trying to stay positive. see?

I have a lot of work ahead of me this week. I must hash out the third act and get it to a nice, happy place. Eventhough it is perhaps some of the most depressing music I have ever sang in my life. uugh. It puts me in a "slit my wrists" kind of mood.

Alison, I better see you soon. I know my schedule is hell on wheels right now but I miss my friend.

ALSO, I'm really excited because I'm going to meet somebody next week, maybe. I'm trying not to get too excited because I don't want to be too disappointed if it totally fails. However, I can't say I have had many instances where I have gotten along with someone really well online and thought they were really cute and stuff and met them and been too surprised. The worst case is I meet them and I'm not attracted to them at all...which has happened. I have met people kind of just to humor them in the past or because I'm bored. But UNLESS all of his pictures are really old and he is really a fat, ugly, old man....I think I shall surely be just fine with meeting him. We seem to share a lot of the same ways of functioning...as far as how we meet and greet people. We poke at eachother and push buttons and figure eachother out in a way that is fairly similar. His way of life is really cute....and I'm wildly attracted to the man I have created in my head to fit his persona. Gee....I hope I didn't build it up to much.

Don't worry no rush on anything...just going to see what happens. :)

Long day today...so I'm going to go continue it.

Di

heartbroken

Guys, I'm hurting pretty bad right now.

Things just weren't working out with my boyfriend so we ended things for good this time...or at least for a long time. The age difference is just too hard right now. It's really sad because I really really liked him.

I kinda don't know what to do right now.

I want to make friends have actually have a life ya know? maybe?

So if anybody wants to help me do that...and then maybe stay in my life...call me.

Headshot

Here is the finished product....it will have to do.

Greg took it yesterday.

What do you think?

blah.

So the books that I'm reading...I totally meant to put those in the last entry but they are:

"Eat, Pray, Love" by: Elizabeth Gilbert
and
"The Rhythm of Life: Living Everyday with Passion and Purpose" by: Matthey Kelly

"Eat, Pray, Love" is a memoir and "Rhythm" is like a self help kind of book. I have read many of these in my lifetime..and they seem to make ground breaking realizations happen with me. I like people who understand people, therefore I like reading the things these people have to say. I'm very interested in how people live their lives and how they find ways to be happy. It's kind of hard when you put all of your energy into something you "do", rather directly into yourself as a whole, to master yourself.

Annnyywaaayyy, I feel pretty blah today....thus the unoriginal title. I am starting to come to the conclusion that I have PMDD (a longer lasting version of PMS) that effects my life tremendeously. Luckily, I don't have to go anywhere today until later...I'm hoping that next month this stuff doesn't effect the opera....I'm just so fatigued.

I have been in a horrible mood lately, and during this time I try really hard not to let what I think I see affect me. I jump to wild conclusions that someone is being mean to me before I really take time to consider that I am in a tender mood and that almost anything would offend me right now. I don't think my boyfriend has figured out how to get around this stuff yet...and coming from a four year relationship where someone knew every trick...it's really annoying. But I have to be patient I guess. The best thing I can think of right now is to just stay away....he is sick anyway. I never realized starting a new relationship would be so painful and challenging but I am starting to accept these truths and trying with all of my might not to compare the two....but it is hard. Sometimes I give up for the day...and sometimes I handle it. I'm past the anger stage where ANYTHING is better than the past....and I am seeing things for what they are and were and it's almost as hard as the breakup itself.

I'm praying hard for strength right now as I also hurl myself full speed ahead into opera season. I am supposed to be off book completely in about 2 weeks and then do 2 weeks of stageing and then tech week. It's insanity...As James (the director) said, "It's going to be instant opera-just add water."


Word of the day: patience

OK, I'm going to go try to get some headshot printed for some stuff I'm applying to...Did I mention I may be going to Italy this summer for a 2 week program with Sharon? Kinda cool.

These first few entries may be long as I have much to catch up on.

Bye for now.

Back to the blogger

It has been awhile since I have done the blog thing and I find that it is probably th best way for me to keep in touch with many of my friends as they seem to have scattered across the country, over the river, through the woods, just generally gone away. :(

Not going to lie, things have been rough in the life of Diana...but in a lot of ways it has been the best thing for me. This is a nice fresh start, a new book to open and start writing things in.

In life news, I have a new boyfriend. Everyone has their own opinion about that fact but mine remains the same. I like him a lot, he makes me happy (just so long as I don't lose sight of the purpose of relationships) So, my friend is a little younger than me, this proves to be a challenge only about 10% of the time. I like the person he is right now and I know I will like the person he becomes in the next 4 years as he is in undergrad. BUT I try not to think of that too much because then it starts to feel like I am only in love with the future. I'm certainly trying to find happiness in everyday life instead of living in the future.

I am on a plan right now. I am trying to become a better person. I feel like improvement of me as a singer has been my only focus the last few years, thus me as a whole person has suffered tremendously. It is probably a well known fact that I do not have a lot of girlfriends. The reasons for that continue to echo from my past, but I am trying to overlook my prejudices against being friends with women. I am trying to just be friendly to everyone and be as warm as possible. In rehearsals, I am much quicker to tell you "you are doing a really great job" or "you sound beautiful" than I ever was in the past. I have a great deal more respect now that I am a grad student especially from the freshmen....and I feel like I need to make the best example to them and my collegues about how to display yourself. Undergrad was indeed much like high school, take 2. I'm glad I am past that time in my life. I would NEVER go back.

Confidence is the first key. Confidence is something that everyone struggles with. It has taken me my lifetime so far to figure out how to display confidence and I find that it only comes with the hard work that you put into what you are doing. I can't be confident if I don't know my music....so a whole new era has begun as far as me spending more time with my scores and characters. (Part of this I can attribute to being a grad student and having more time in general)

I have taken an interesting turn in my faith as well. For a long time I had forgotten about the whole idea of God's role in my life. I had forgotten the reasons that I sing, or the reasons we try to be good to one another. God seems to have a nice plan for me in all areas of my life, not just singing. I was always afraid that God was going to push me down a path I did not want to go down because I was afraid that would mean I would have to make a choice between people in my life and being with God...but I don't. Especially now that I have someone in my life who will be right there with God and I. But even if I weren't dating a Christian whose relationship with God is much more developed than mine was at his age, God would not stop me from being with whoever I wanted to be with...just so long as I stop to ask, "God, what is your dream for me?" So I guess I am trying to be the best version of myself I can be. Good idea right?

So, it may sound a little cheesy, but I am going to try to document this here. AND offer some insight as to how this all came about.

I will tell you:
It started with a breakup and a close look at my life and a few books! BOOKS that have randomly arrived in my hands from a few people who much be looking out for me. One, my mother (who had NO IDEA the treasure she gave me) and my boyfriend's mother. Suddenly, women are coming into my life and offering a helping hand.

Sounds weird. I probably sound about brainwashed right now. But sometimes you just have to take a closer look at yourself. Where you've gone, Where you want to go, and especially, where you are now.

I'll write soon.