I can be rather flakey these days...
My mind is slipping...
For example, I have let the straightener on twice...once it burnt a hole in Greg's shirt and the other time Greg burned himself on it. Where is my head?
ALSO, I completely forgot about a JURY that I had the other day and ended up crying and stressing my way out of it.
I feel like such a joke sometimes. My brain is so disorriented, I wonder why in the hell I am even in grad school. Dr.Miller is going to try to help me I think....only other people who have trouble and beat themselves up can ever understand what I go through everyday.
I had a therapist once ask me why I felt the need to be perfect when perfection isn't really expected of live performance...I laughed and told her she hadn't met Dean Sidlin or any other conservatory musician for that matter. We are all pushed to the limit and stressed out when music is supposed to be a fun and joyful experience. When it is beat into your head that you have to be perfect...you have to expect that of yourself. When you get screamed at for messing up.....how are you supposed to feel comportable enough to even concentrate? I fear this weekend and possibly next week will bury me...unless I am as close to perfect is as humanly possible...Does anybody else have this kind of pressure? and how in the hell have I not quit!!!!????
Sometimes I regret my musical knowledge because it makes it impossible for me to enjoy or relax in CHURCH of all places. IF the music sucks...i seriously can't sit still, let alone pray. My training has made me hard. Thats not to say that if a boy sings me a song and it sucks I won't love it! But church is rough because church music is meant to be beautiful. I think that 90% of worshipping God is done through music....music transcends the line between heaven and earth, does it not?
Maybe I'm burnt out. Maybe I need a break....
One is coming...and hopefully I will get to have fun soon.
In other news...things are going well in the dating world...I think. Have you ever met someone who you can talk to in person and understand but talk to online and not understand at all? It could be that I don't know him well enough to understand his communication quirks...but he seems so nice in person but not so nice online or on the phone....I think when communicating through a device such as a computer or the phone he becomes very business and almost robot. It's kinda scary...but I can imagine sitting at a computer for 8 hours...one is likely to be pissed to be on one again...Luckily, he is very kind and gentle in person, so I forgive him. Not to mention I'm sure I can be annoying sometimes with my million questions about absolutely anything and everything......but I would hope this is something people would come to understand and like about me. I just like knowing things...even things I probably shouldn't know. Knowledge about people especially is something I love. I want to know why he did this or that...or what from the past made him this way or that way. I pick people apart...ITS MY JOB. I emote people's feelings and thoughts on stage for a living...
This may sound weird but imagine it this way: I feel that I have an entire file room in my brain of emotions that I associate with events...and feelings that I have felt through myself and other people that I can relate to my characters when I create them. I channel feelings...so there is a lot up there. It's a great tool to have. I feel like I think differently than a lot of people do about things...there is an entire process that is different than anybody else ever seems to go through. When I get into people's heads they get a little freaked out.....and I have the tact of a 3 year old...I'm really not afriad to ask any question.
No question is a wrong or dumb question right?
Anyway...I have had a lot of things to say for the last few days...and I'm glad I got some of that out.
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I have met some people who really hate being on the phone - especially those who have to be on the phone a lot for their job. They just want a phone call to be in, out, and over, the end. So maybe it's like that for him. He works in computers?
And I have to agree with you about the pressure to be perfect - and live performances ARE expected to be perfect! People want more life at a live concert than a spliced recording, but a single wrong note and the whole thing is tarnished to them. It's crazy. And the Dean? A wrong note in rehearsal, EVER, is not acceptable. It's a crazy world. But you do it because you love it - not the individual situation you're in, but making music in general.
You've got too much on your plate and juggling too many emotions... You need to let some things slow down and sort out, love.
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